Unsolicited Email from Patrick

(Name and details have been changed but the 'voice' of the individual is preserved. You'll find my comments in italix. What? You think I can keep quiet?)

Hello Ruth,

My name is Patrick and I have bipolar. (Hey, the guy knows not to say I'm bipolar. Good sign) I was encouraged and amazed to find your New Directions website. The resources you provide there are so valuable. (thank god somebody noticed us!)

Brief history: I'm in my fifties, work in computers and right now feel like I am totally overwhelmed at work. Paradoxically, I am "highly motivated" and very depressed - drawn to the bed like a magnet. I am not by nature a lazy person, but this depression has gone on for far too long.

Your meds aren't working, as you know, Patrick. It's also probable that your work situation is causing your overwhelming depression.You have what's called an agitated depression. Avoid the bed or set the timer for five minutes once you climb in.

I've been hospitalized four times during my life, most recently at Abington, (oy! with all those people who have dementia, it's a small unit), then in the Adult Partial program at Horsham Clinic (great place! Lots of our members go there!). I'm under the care of a psychiatrist and psychologist through Life Counseling Services.

I feel lately that I see things much more clearly, but sadly I see the destruction that bipolar has caused over my life. I realize that some of this is the "lens of depression", and that there are positive actions that I can/will take. But I feel a tremendous sense of loss. I also feel that I am barely clinging to my job, and the only reason that I still am employed is the kindness of my supervisor. I feel a great deal of shame and stigma at work, and wish I could move on (yes, despite the kindness).

Moving on has been a pattern for me - about every three years. However - if I lose my job, I lose my medical and prescription benefits, and also I lose the structure of a job. I cannot imagine how I would respond now to unemployment. And then there is the economic recession to consider.

You are no different from 75 percent of the population who only remain employed for the benefits and the uncertainty of finding a new job. You're also correct about needing the structure of a job to keep you up and running. Stay employed!

My guess is that many bipolar people feel a sense of loss of what they might have accomplished had they not had the disorder. Process these feelings of loss and shame w/your therapist - quickly -and then move on. We cannot change the past but can indeed change the future as you mentioned above, that you 'can/will' take positive actions.

Learn to live in the present moment, the here and now. Your meds, when correct, should give you this ability.

My home is in very poor repair, filled with junk from 50 years. Bipolar contributed to my lack of care for it I am sure, but I am responsible.

You have a wonderful ability, Patrick, to observe yourself and to take responsibility for your actions. I am impressed. However, your main problem is you don't see yourself the way others do. You lack a sense of who you are. This may be due to your recurrent depression which robs you of knowing yourself.

As a psychotherapist, I worked with a client on the same issues. I believed that if I could get him to cry over his lost life it would help him move on. He had never cried in his entire life. I did get him to weep, copiously, and miraculously he was never depressed again. Sometimes intuitive interventions like this work.

I have a wonderful lady in my life who teaches piano and creates lovely music. Now it just seems that I let her down. She is incredibly loving and kind, but I hate what my illness does to her. She deserves far better...

Again, Patrick, like the people you work with, you have a tough time accepting love and affection from people who know you. This unconscious trait most likely dates back to your childhood when you were not given unconditional love by parenting figures. "Good enough parents," in the words of the late British psychoanalyst DW Winnicott produces healthy children.As adults, we bipolar folks must learn, usually thru therapy, that we are lovable and that people enjoy being around us.

I am really pouring my soul out to you - but after reading a bit at your website I feel as if I know you very well.

Will be in touch about New Directions - it will be a challenge with my work and energy level, but I see this as so valuable. For now I just wanted to say hello and thanks.

All the Best,
-Patrick

I wrote an immediate thank-you note to Patrick, asking him to read my blog. It's kind of a handy tool, methinks, to see how a healthy person lives her life. Here's his reply again with my responses.

Hi Ruth,

Quick note for now -- thanks so much for your warm reply and helpful suggestion about nutrition. During my most recent depression I was eating very little and although I was glad to lose about 30 pounds this was not my preferred method. Will add this to possible/likely strategies. I am committed to health and to heading off the terrible burden this is to my loved ones.

Okay, Patrick, now we're gonna talk about semantics, about the words we choose to use. I don't feel like I know you at all. One beef I have w/some therapists is they pathologize the patient and encourage them to 'spill their guts' with no forward movement at all. You've used the word 'burden' a couple of times. Drop this word from your vocabulary. Although you're not yet the healthy person you wish to become, you must learn to TALK like a healthy person. You must talk healthy, first to yourself, and then to others. Absolutely no pity parties.

For example, as I write this, I'm taking a tremendous risk. I could be totally one hundred percent wrong about my beliefs about you. Altho I've written for your permission to blog this entry, you could write me and say, How dare you? I trusted you and now look at what you've done.

We all hang by a slender thread in this life of ours, Patrick.

I had a chance to take a quick look at your blog. Wow!!!

- We just recently picked up Jill Taylor's "A Stroke of Insight". Thanks for the link to the great video!

-I have a good friend who is very much into the Lakota culture and goes to sweat lodge ceremonies

- I love art and exploring human consciousness. I probably never have belonged in the computer field at all. (Have you heard Bill Moyer interviewing Joseph Campbell? The best!)

- Right now, this evening, I'm engaged in reading your blog, and thanks to you I am not depressed -- I am fascinated.

Aha! When you're engaged in life, your depression vanishes. Good sign!

Thanks!
-Patrick