Dingaling-aling! Don't Rush to Answer

My telephone has become a terror zone. Yesterday, when my psychologist friend Greg Perri called, I yelled loudly into the telephone: YESSSS!

That's cuz the Caller ID read "Kentucky Call." I was afraid it was one of the two scam artists who call me at least twice a day.

The moment I got home from vacation, the phone rang. The Caller ID said: Person-to-Person, 814-940- 0200. I was certain I recognized the number.

"Don't you ever call here again, dyou understand?" I said in my mean voice.

"Sorry you feel that way," said the man sadly on the other end.

"I mean it," I said, and hung up.

Then I goggled the phone number. Fortunately I was correct. I would've been embarrassed had it been the Philadelphia Museum of Art asking for a donation.

The other scamster is Allied Data Corp at 281- 214 -1203. The recorded woman's voice is really mean like one of those female guards at Auschwitz.

What kind of a person would work a scam like that?

Speaking of which, I checked on ole Bartleby.com yesterday. They seem to have changed their format and no longer have Quote of the Day or This Happened Twenty Years Ago. No, the web's preeminent publisher of literature, reference and verse had as their lead advertiser master scam artist Kevin Hoeffer.

I did have to ask myself, Ruthie, if Kevin gave you a million dollars cash, would you publish his ad in The Compass?

Then there's ole Bernie Madoff. His wife Ruth, 68, is a pariah. Even her own hairdresser won't see her. I spent hours worrying about her last nite. How is this woman gonna get her highlights put in? They won't even come up to her "ambassador-like" Manhattan apartment. Ah, how the mighty topple.

When I was a teenager, and this is really pathetic, I dunno what possessed me, the great JFK was assassinated on November 22, 1963, Terry Greenstein's birthday. I didn't much care for Terry but I sure loved Kennedy. Going home from 11th grade that day from Shaker Heights High School via 'rapid transit' there wasn't a sound on the entire train.

Everyone was distraught. We all went home and watched TV.

As we know, the killer Harvey Oswald was himself assassinated by Jack Ruby.

And what do I do?

Dad, I said. I wanna send Oswald's wife some money. Where should I send it?

Dad: Just send it to Dallas, TX. They'll forward it onto her.

And that's what I did. A crisp twenty for Marina.

Stephen, dyou think I'm nuts?