Thanksgiving photo of Sarah, Grace, and niece Nikki, who hosted the dinner. Grace at 3 mos is used to being around lots of people. The call came at 11:30 a.m. yesterday. It was Paige Lockwood, my kidney transplant coordinator at Einstein Hospital. I didn't answer it tho since Caller ID said Unknown name, unknown number. Okay okay, I'll answer those calls next time.
When a kidney is available you have ONE HOUR to get back to them, otherwise the highly coveted organ goes to someone else. Paige told me I was third in line. She was hopeful and so was I.
After the call I went into immediate 'denial' for sev'l hours as I continued working. I had soooo much work to do including finish up the final proofs for the Compass.
I told practically no one about the kidney offer. Why worry my family or friends? Dan was on standby to drive me to Einstein. I still can't drive cuz of my sciatica. Unfortunately my announcement of its let-up thother day was premature. I see my physical therapist today in hopes he can snap my pelvis back in line like he did another time.
Meanwhile the radio drones on. WikiLeaks. Economic forecasts. Thousands of Philadelphians will no longer receive unemployment checks. Ah, here's The Bad Plus on NPR at noon. The broad strokes of their music make me feel hopeful I'll get the operation.
Paige tells me I probly won't hear anything from them until at least 6 pm, more likely 8. The call comes at 8:30. Nurse Debbie is on call. She calls me from home. Her words: The donor is on the operating table now.
Chilling. Poor guy. He's a 27-yo male with a b'ful pair of kidneys. He's a drug addict w/Hep C. I've got Hep C but I never was a drug addict. I possibly got it from snorting cocaine which I did once but didn't even get high.
Thru all this I'm hobbling downstairs and feeding myself ... finishing up the T'giving turkey, I say to myself: good protein to help me thru the operation. I pay all my bills in case I've gotta stay in the hospital. Mostly it's the Compass I'm concerned with. It's gotta come out. I give the graphics designer and the printer - two separate people - my credit card no. - and say - undramatically but truthfully - I could die on the operating table but I want it printed.
Ah, the sun is coming out over Charley's house. I see it in the meer.
So I will not be transplanted. "Think of it as a dress rehearsal," says Debbie. "There will be lots of them."
"Oh."
Sarah says Maybe we'll go ahead in the spring and you'll get my kidney.
Okay, I say, hearing myself mutter, I'd do it for you or Dan.
Self-justification.
It's nearly 8 am and I'm enjoying the morning light that spills into my bedroom.
Debbie just called again at 8:16 am. "The no. one Donor is in the operating room," she said, adding she wants me to be available just in case.
NAMELESS BOY
I will hover around
third on the list
unchosen but wanting
I’ll watch as they cut your body open
I could’ve been in the next room
Not dead as you but doped up in the
Longest sleep I’d ever take
You did yourself in, silly boy,
What if they told you
When you were only ten
You’ll die at twenty seven
Not from a tainted needle
But anoxia
Think on it, my son,
Play with your schoolmates
Swing on the ropeswing
Look up at the stars
Wade in the creek and
Collect your salamanders
Always looking over your shoulder
For anoxia, the thing that will kill you
Learn to sense its approach
The way a boy might read in his
Bunk bed after lights out
Best way is to
Envision a young man lying naked
On a table
No happy thanksgivings any more
Or blue lights on Christmas trees
As lungs are scuppered by masked men
With green fingers
The radio’s turned off
Can’t get to your guitar
I covet your kidneys
And pat my belly where it would slip in nice
And slow
We would have ridden the world together, nameless boy,
I’d have taken you on a sedate drugless ride
Shown you the street where I live
My new carpet and laptop
The shitload of pills I take each day
You’d watch me put in my contacts in the morning
We’d smell the coffee brewing as we looked outside
At our bright kidney morning.
I can't react to this yet because of the emotional component but I will read it again. I think of you, think of my brother and.........Just don't want to think of young lives lost at this moment, though I want very much for you to be the recipient when the right situation comes through. Just learned of the tragic death of the daughter of a former client and still processing that. Can't do too much of that stuff at one time.
ReplyDeleteDon't they give you a beeper or can't you program a special ring for them so you don't miss it?
Do you have a cell phone? I know you can program a special ring into those.
not to worry. i now answer every single phone call on my home phone and i keep my cellphone handy also. i just called the nurse now who said the operation is going on as we speak. don't forget that if i don't get a hep c donor, sarah will be my donor.
ReplyDeletesorry about the loss of your client's daughter. was she an adoptee?