Couples Therapy with Dr Ruth Jampol - Schmoozing afterward in the Coffeeshop

Dr Ruth Jampol, licensed psychologist, from Southampton Psychiatric Center, in her talk "Couples Therapy and the Treatment of Mood Disorders."

Another great speaker from our "Meet Your Mental Health Professionals Series", closing out our Summer season.

She practices a form of therapy called "Emotionally Focused Therapy" (EFT).

Research on couples therapy shows this type of therapy is as helpful as individual therapy. Here are excerpts from her talk:

Few things are more stressful than a distressed relationship. It goes on day in and day out - it wears on you like the drip drip drip of a faucet - there's no end to it, no escape.

Relationship problems are a major trigger for episodes of depression or anxiety. If you don't fix it, it gets worse. She gave examples of men or women who stop talking to each other, who give each other the silent treatment, or who explode when the partner says the wrong thing.

Helen Kirschner, who runs our Daytime Meeting at the Giant Supermarket, asked, "What do you do when one of the couples doesn't wanna attend couples therapy?"

Great question, H! She and I know at least eight couples in the group who should be in marriage counseling. Helen said a lotta people are afraid of change and are happier doing nothing than getting help.

Dr Ruth said she asks the reluctant spouse to go to just one session to see how they like it.

 For my library book club we're reading Steinbeck's "To a God Unknown," his second novel. The Wayne family, who homesteaded to California from Vermont in the late 1800s, is one very unusual family, tempered and influenced by the extreme weather that meant successful crops, but also by the native Mexicans who helped them out.

When one of the Waynes gets depressed, they wait it out until it passes, go for long walks, talk to supportive people, or hug a tree.

Dr Ruth said there's a strong correlation between depression and relationship distress. When one member is diagnosed with depression they can easily be triggered into a depression, much more than with the general public.

When these couples complete sessions of couples therapy, the benefits go on and on. However, if a depressed person takes meds and stops them, there are no benefits, but just the opposite -  relapse of depression.

One of our audience members echoed Dr Ruth's words about one partner with depression. The person withdraws from the world. Their partner may wanna help but doesn't know what to do or may unwittingly make matters worse.

 EFT is all about getting to what's beneath the surface. A couple's arguments are not really about the matter at hand - "why don't you ever put your shoes away? why don't you clean off your side of the bed" - but focus on issues which the person is not articulating.

She tells couples to use the "I" statement. "I feel upset - or disappointed - or angry - when you watch television and don't pay attention to what I'm saying."

She helps couples put their feelings into words. Emotions don't lie. Emotions are real. Emotions need to be honored and understood by both parties.

When your partner doesn't listen to you, you may feel invisible - lonely - abandoned -angry. You may very well shut down.

Get thee to a therapist! How about to Sue Johnson (MUST CLICK), Canadian author of Hold Me Tight?

Writes Johnson:

We have a wired-in need for emotional contact and responsiveness from significant others. It's a survival response, the driving force of the bond of security a baby seeks with its mother. This observation is at the heart of attachment theory. A great deal of evidence indicates that the need for secure attachment never disappears; it evolves into the adult need for a secure emotional bond with a partner. Think of how a mother lovingly gazes at her baby, just as two lovers stare into each other's eyes.

Dr Ruth said the Ottawan Sue Johnson developed EFT in the late 1980s. The training is intenseive, from five to eight years.

You need tremendous listening skills, said Ruth. Emotions and behavior make sense once we understand them. "I need to find a way in," she said about difficult cases.

She serves on the Board of the Philadelphia Center for Emotionally Focused Therapy, an organization dedicated to promoting high quality couples therapy in the greater Philadelphia area.

Ruth showed us a fascinating video of Sue Johnson interviewing a married couple. You can view it on the website of the International School for Excellence in EFT.

She loved the pink orchid we gave her as a thank-you gift.

Afterward, six or seven of us met in the downstairs Coffeeshop.

 Hello Will and Betsey. Betsey and I are gonna go paddleboating at Lake Galena during the week. Can't wait. It's a real work-out.

Lucas McCain happened to be in town, so he parked his horse and rifle outside and joined us, ordering a hot cup of coffee.


I'd been waiting all day for my first cuppa coffee, iced. Since the Giant coffee is tasteless, I added cinnamon and cocoa.

We always have lively discussions. I was biding my time until I could bring up a particular subject.

Conversation topics included:

- The influential award-winning Boston Globe columnist and author, Bob Whittaker, gave bad advice to mental health consumers telling them to go off their meds b/c the meds were shown not to be helpful.

- "Rich" got depressed after he retired. It was the worst experience of his life. That's the way we feel when depression hits. He checked into Abington hospital for a week, which he found very helpful. That's how he found New Directions.

He recently received his hospital bill:  $30,000.  But b/c he has Medicare and Blue Cross 65, he only has to pay $1200.

You know what? If you gave me a billion dollars, I would never go through another depression again....or manic psychosis, which is even worse. Why? I felt all those things a person feels - abandoned, alone, angry, no one understands me.

- We also discussed going off meds later in life, like I did when I was 58. Is it a good idea? Discuss it with your family and your doctor.

And then it was my turn. I brought up the awful subject of the worst pedophile in our lifetime. I am fascinated by the case. When my neighbor Patrick saw me eating dinner outside on my front lawn, he pulled up a lawn chair and we discussed it.

If I heard him in the shower with a kid, I would've gone in and probly killed the s.o.b, said Patrick, father of two young boys.

I stared at the pictures of the pedophile, whose name I am not gonna sully my blog with. What monster lurks below the surface. And he is a true monster. This is possibly the worst crime a person can commit.

I liked the face of McGettigan, the prosecuting attorney. I'll close this post with his satisfied face.