A few words about God

Look, I have no idea if there's a god or not. But sometimes I get to thinking about it. Like a couple minutes ago. Here's the situation. It was night. I drove Scott to the train station and then came back to his house so I could finish watching The Postman Rings Twice, the great John Garfield-Lana Turner B&W film. After I finished I realized I was hungry so I went to my house next door, wearing my white nightgown and sandals, and popped some popcorn. Then I put some cut-up watermelon into a bowl and carried the food back to Scott's house where I'd spend the night.

And then I saw the fireflies. They were flashing all over the sideyard and the backyard. Stunning. Just stunning. I ate a few handfuls of popcorn and watched the firefly show. Better than television.

And then I remembered God. Several years ago when I was still on psychiatric medicine, I had what I believed was an intense personal relationship with the Lord. It's hard now to remember what it felt like but I was somewhat of a proselytizer, which isn't unusual for me, cause if I like something, I'm gonna tell you about it.

I turned God into a good friend of mine. A kind father who loved his Little Ruthie beyond all measure. Whatever happened to me was his will. His will, not mine. Yes, I got caught up in that trap, I fell for it, the Calvinist predestination trap. Why me? Thank the lord I saw the light and got myself outa the mire of he's-got-the-whole-world-in-his-hand and he loves ya.

My religiosity culminated with the poem Thank you for waiting until I found You, you, of course, meaning God, the Lord of the heavens, Zeus, Woden, whatever you wanna call him. And then, just like that - with a snap of the fingers - I couldn't get it up anymore for the Lord. Try as I might.

But neither can I entirely write him off.

I think spirituality runs deep in my own DNA. My mother and my late father are devout Jewish nonbelievers who take up the prayerbook, as did their parents. Where was god in all this? Why can't we feel him and other people can?

I'll never forget a young man who came to our writing group. He was an intellectual and said he became a Christian b/c he couldn't live in a world of such chaos unless there was a divine force and a Jesus guiding the universal order of things.

There is no one who could ever argue the case for god or against god to me. It's something only I can decide for myself. I am swayed by NY Times editorials on many things but on the god front a gal has to decide for herself. If in fact there were a god, it might be the sweetest feeling in all the world, like a cool breeze coming through the window, rustling the curtains and then brushing your cheeks and your hair. That would be god.

Essentially, as I said to my friend Rob one time, God is everywhere, the whole universe is a manifestation of his actions, for it is a living breathing expanding universe.

Does he care about the individual? Only yesterday I was thinking, He cares about the individual when it's millions of us over millions of years...you know, the species, the generations begetting generations of more homo sapiens, but I don't think he cares a whit about how I spend my time as long as I'm true to my genes...in other words, that I use my talents and gifts, inclding singing and dancing and practicing altruism, which are all innate qualities that are borne out in various brain regions, we must practice those things that make us uniquely human.

So, you see, when that tree limb killed the baby in the Central Park Zoo, God was not thinking of the baby, little Gianna was one of those dreadful sacrifices that can ruin lives but in the long run, the species isn't nicked at all. Same with the Afghan war. Families are devastated, destroyed, but the long brave trail of life goes blissfully forward, never stopping to count the bodies tossed to the side of the road.

And meantime the fireflies do what they are coded to do...their flashing lights attract mates so these lively complex creatures that light up the darkness can fulfill their shortlived drama under the stars and the trees and the watchful eye of god, maybe.