To Buy a Toaster-Oven

I was having toaster-oven agita, you know, the toast was either burnt to a crisp or soggy, so I said, What good are my millions doing me tied up in bonds and hedge funds and IRAs and new cars. Go out in the wide world, Ruthie, and buy yourself a nice new toaster oven.

Ah, now the real agita begins. Shopping. I hate it. I can't stand it. Huge cavernous stores that are synonyms for the word 'agoraphobia' - fear of the marketplace. Take your pick. They're all bad.

I did a dry mental run thru the top stores in the area, which, not surprisingly, are also the top stores in Oklahoma or Texas.

Which was the least worst?

I drove over to K-Mart. Soon as I walked in the telltale K-Mart aroma stung my nostrils. Yuck! I hoped my clothes and hair wouldn't smell of it when I got home.

I do not wander aimlessly in stores. The lady told me where to go and I found an assortment of toaster-ovens. I was now totally on my own with indecipherable price tags and toasters stuck in boxes I could not open.

But hey I was in a good mood. Why not? I was about to make toast.

I began walking down the aisles looking for help. I put my hand up to my mouth as if it were a microphone and began announcing, "Sales associate to toaster aisle, sales associate to toaster aisle."

Finally about 2 miles away at the very end of the store, 3 individuals were huddled in secret conversation. They wore the special K-Mart red. As soon as they saw me, they turned their backs on me.

Hellooo! I yelled. I need your help.

I grabbed two of the men by the neck and pulled them with me toward the toaster aisle. Look, you goddam bastards, I said,

Actually, they were quite nice tho I did idly wonder if one of them just got out of jail.

Oh, I had them do the most awful things, Dear Reader. I made them WORK! They had to ask their supervisor questions about the toasters and they had to reach high up and pull a few down off the shelves.

This is great, I said to them. You never wanna lose a customer. Once you've got them in the store, you don't want them to leave unless.....

and they finished the sentence..... unless they buy your product.

This was their second day of work.

I had them carry the toaster up to the counter for me.

When I got there, ya know what Flossie said to me?

Sorry, ma'am, the sale price expired last Saturday.

I looked over at Derrick and Gary.

Do me a favor, I said to the lazy bums. Go get the price tag.

Flossie rang me up the sale price.

But.... I had to carry it out to the car cuz the boys skedaddled.

Be sure to read Peggela's comment below.....