Last will and testament

The thing about life is: It's all in the past tense. What a set-up! Thing is, everything was invented before I came onstage. We come in as part of a family. They train and prepare us to go off on our own. I'm 63 years old and I'm still in training. Today I prepared to die. I went to an attorney and I commissioned him to do my will. It's easy when you're not planning to die any time soon. I went to the same attorney my former boyfriend Simon went to but Simon went after he received his death sentence.

On the way home from the lawyer's I stopped at a used car dealer I passed on the way over. First though I bought a bottle of Snapple lemonade. It tasted like cleaning fluid but I sipped it anyway. I wanted to reward myself for getting my will made. I saved the glass bottle to use as a flower vase. I just love my glass bottles and Pyrex containers.

So I pull into the drive at Kar Klinic in Southampton and backed into the one free space. I love backing in, the great feeling of turning your entire body around and acrobatically centering the car into the space.

Brian came out to greet me. "I want a four-door car with great visibility," I said. I gave him my price range. "I also want it to be the last car I'll ever own. I'm expecting to live another 20 years."

He walked me over to a 2001 smooth black Jaguar, gorgeous, with leather interior and a dashboard filled with accordion-like buttons and with the essential heated backseats. Fortunately the car was wedged in so I couldn't take it for a test drive.

We spent about half an hour chatting. A good salesperson like Brian knows to build up a rapport with a potential client.

While I was gazing at the back of the car I remembered I'd written a short story about a man who collects cars and one of them was this very same Jaguar model. Naturally I told this to Brian. A self-fulfilling prophecy I said to myself. I also dated a guy - Harry the Hoarder - who collected Jaguars.

I'd feel self-conscious, I said to Brian, driving a Jag b/c people might think I'm rich instead of a commoner. More to the point, the car is extremely long, like the LTD I used to drive. "How do people drive beautiful new cars?" I asked. "Don't they worry about scratching them up?"

He told me the metal they make them with is very strong, much stronger than mine own dimpled car.

I'll call Brian tomorrow and hit the road in the Jag early in the morning. It only gets 20 miles per gallon.