Becky Shoulberg, MSW, talks about "When Helping Hurts"

Becky last spoke to us in 2006 when she was a social worker at Eagleville Rehab for various addictions.

She was a wonderful speaker, very tactful b/c caregivers of the mentally ill were listening in and relating to everything she said. Just about every word she spoke resonated with me. I'm the caregiver of the hundreds of people who come to us each year.

Becky currently helps older adults stay in their own homes. I certainly believe in that. Helen, our Daytime Leader, recently attended the funeral of her 93-yo Aunt Ruth, who stayed in her home, with much help, until the end.

I visited my own 90-yo mom earlier today. She didn't hear the door bell ring so I started yelling Mom! Mom! and was about to call her on my cellphone when she came to the door. She heard me yelling.

Becky's pointers:

Take c/o yourself first. Don't become a person who "needs to be needed."

Set boundaries. Is it a "want" or a "need?"  Say things like, "I can't do it now" - "I'll do it later" - "No, you can do it yourself." Don't be afraid to say No.

Pick and choose what you wanna do.

A man down the street from me moved in with his newly widowed mother who is 86. Mike's mom began to rely on him for everything. He's a working man and can't stay home all day to care for her. He insisted she get back in her car and drive. She'd had a hip replacement. And she does. Mike did a good job encouraging his mom's independence.



My friend Walter still drives at age 95. But don't ask me to get in his car.

By not helping someone you may be doing them a favor, encouraging them to depend on themselves.

All this is true for folks with mood disorders. Sometimes a person may be so depressed it's difficult for them to do things themselves.

Determine what they can and cannot do.

Stop being nice when you don't feel like it. I really like this one. Caregivers do have feelings. I remember when my dad was dying of a brain tumor at home and was confined pretty much to his bedroom. This was in 1980.

He asked me to go out and get him a Burger-King.

I totally flipped out. "I'm tired of being your slave!" I said and left the house. My mom was his slave.

This shows the pressure that caregivers are under, even with a person like my dad who we knew had 6 to 9 months to live.

Give as long as you enjoy it, said Becky. Stop when it causes you pain.



Our gift to Becky was a glass paperweight from Kremp's and

an African Violet.