Visited Helene at the much-vaunted Rydal Park

Quite frankly, my dear, none of the people I talked to like being at Rydal Park.

But I - resident of the world - loved visiting Helene and being invited to lunch by her tablemate Elaine.

Apparently, tables are assigned, like you're on a cruise. A cruise to oblivion.

Elaine invited me to lunch since she had free "meal tickets."

She had dry chicken - but not as dry as last time. Her 55-yo daughter lives in her old house in Elkins Park. Amy has three cats. Elaine is putting the remains of her lunch in a baggie for the cats.

The moment I sat down I noticed Promise Margarine in the center of the table. Margarine is the worst thing for your heart! Maybe this facility wants a fast turnaround for their residents. Clearly, they've never heard of Joel Fuhrman, MD, and his tips for a healthy long life.

Helene looked simply smashing as she always does. She'll be 85 on Jan. 26. Remind me to send her a card or better yet, visit.

She's hated living here since the day she moved in.

 Evelyn is 90. How are your faculties I asked her. Good, I guess, she said, but I can't walk. Here's her aide Silvine.

 I admired her nails and told her I just got mine done - Diana's in Hatboro - they're all Chinese - and showed her where they had already chipped. My fault, I didn't stay under the dryer long enuf.

We don't have a dryer, said Evelyn, We just sit there until they dry. We have plenty of time, she laughed.

I was having a ball, hollering at the top of my lungs. They're all hard of hearing. I told Elaine I also shouted when my 17-yo Chinese student was at my house.

She understood why.

I got lucky. My food was delicious. Chicken was soft and delicious. Cranberry sauce. And wonderful decaf by Egbert's. The waitress Beth checked for me. She said everyone loves it.

Dessert arrived. Helene, the fussiest woman alive, said her ice cream was gritty.

Ice crystals, I said. The worst!

I asked them if they listened to music. Not since my hearing went, said Elaine. Music doesn't sound good when you wear a hearing aid.

I told them I'm cooking the GOOSE BREAST today in my new lousy crockpot that doesn't have a shut-off valve.

"Is that the name of the brand?" quipped Elaine. "Lousy?"

When I said goodbye to them, I said, "It's only 1:15, we have the rest of the day!"

"Oh, shit, we say," said Elaine.

The rest of the day to do nothing.

I told em I'd be happy to take them to Ben n Irv's Deli for a better-tasting meal.