Wednesday, August 19, 2009

To Buy a Toaster-Oven

I was having toaster-oven agita, you know, the toast was either burnt to a crisp or soggy, so I said, What good are my millions doing me tied up in bonds and hedge funds and IRAs and new cars. Go out in the wide world, Ruthie, and buy yourself a nice new toaster oven.

Ah, now the real agita begins. Shopping. I hate it. I can't stand it. Huge cavernous stores that are synonyms for the word 'agoraphobia' - fear of the marketplace. Take your pick. They're all bad.

I did a dry mental run thru the top stores in the area, which, not surprisingly, are also the top stores in Oklahoma or Texas.

Which was the least worst?

I drove over to K-Mart. Soon as I walked in the telltale K-Mart aroma stung my nostrils. Yuck! I hoped my clothes and hair wouldn't smell of it when I got home.

I do not wander aimlessly in stores. The lady told me where to go and I found an assortment of toaster-ovens. I was now totally on my own with indecipherable price tags and toasters stuck in boxes I could not open.

But hey I was in a good mood. Why not? I was about to make toast.

I began walking down the aisles looking for help. I put my hand up to my mouth as if it were a microphone and began announcing, "Sales associate to toaster aisle, sales associate to toaster aisle."

Finally about 2 miles away at the very end of the store, 3 individuals were huddled in secret conversation. They wore the special K-Mart red. As soon as they saw me, they turned their backs on me.

Hellooo! I yelled. I need your help.

I grabbed two of the men by the neck and pulled them with me toward the toaster aisle. Look, you goddam bastards, I said,

Actually, they were quite nice tho I did idly wonder if one of them just got out of jail.

Oh, I had them do the most awful things, Dear Reader. I made them WORK! They had to ask their supervisor questions about the toasters and they had to reach high up and pull a few down off the shelves.

This is great, I said to them. You never wanna lose a customer. Once you've got them in the store, you don't want them to leave unless.....

and they finished the sentence..... unless they buy your product.

This was their second day of work.

I had them carry the toaster up to the counter for me.

When I got there, ya know what Flossie said to me?

Sorry, ma'am, the sale price expired last Saturday.

I looked over at Derrick and Gary.

Do me a favor, I said to the lazy bums. Go get the price tag.

Flossie rang me up the sale price.

But.... I had to carry it out to the car cuz the boys skedaddled.

Be sure to read Peggela's comment below.....


  1. Our Peggela writes:

    Good Morning Ruthela!

    How I laughed when I read your blog this morning! I also need a new toaster-oven & have not gotten one because I DREAD the experience! I just bought a new hair dryer which is way too powerful & a new flat iron which is way too hot! So, now my hair is dried-out & burnt to a crisp in some areas. I even have a whole section when it is burnt done to 1/3rd of an inch! Not to mention that I bought an iron that didn't get hot & exchanged it for another one that didn't get hot. I just bought another one from another store & it works! So, it took me 3 x's to get it right! And I still have to take the second one back that didn't work! So much inconvenience!!!

    My girlfriend & I went out to dinner last night & were talking about when years ago it would be 90% of people that really worked hard & did their jobs right & now it is 10% of people that really work hard & know their jobs & when they JUST do their jobs that they are being PAID for we get so excited we tip them.

    I find myself tipping Dunkin Donuts drive- through employees just because they get the order right!!!

    So, the moral of the story is if everybody would do their jobs right the first would be so much easier & we wouldn't have to spend so much time on the phone talking to machines fixing things that were done wrong the first time!!!

  2. well said, peggela! this morning i stopped in at pennypack nature center to do research on a poem i'm writing. what did lauren and i end up talking about?

    toaster-ovens of course. she has a HORRIBLE black and decker unit, which is the very same unit i had up until 3 days ago when i bought my oster. the toaster was soooo poorly engineered that not only did lauren - and her friends - find it didn't toast evenly - but my own black & decker had a smashed glass panel in front cuz the front would snap back after you'd remove the toast.

    lauren was so riled up she'll tell her ambler hardstore guy about it, hoping he won't stock it anymore. she may also write the company but you know the problem there. they'll send you a free toaster-oven. tell them to send a chain-saw instead.

  3. One word for you when it comes to Toaster Ovens- EuroPro....

  4. aha! thank you Ms Toohey, soon to be Mrs. Deming!